Hanging In There

Here I am. 7w4 or 5d. And still making it. In fact, I haven't thrown up in nearly a full week and I've been able to eat a reasonable amount every day, even if it is hard to get down most of the time. All in all, this has been fine. My biggest fears are that I'm heading into the hardest weeks, but I have to keep pushing those thoughts back, reminding myself that I need to just take it one day at a time. There's no law that says it has to get worse. This could be pretty much it and then I may start getting some relief in a few weeks. I really hope so. Either way, all I can do is keep my head up and power through each day.

Aside from the constant nausea, which for the record's sake is worse in the evenings, but better mid-morning through early afternoon, I have a few other symptoms. I still have a lot of tenderness in my breasts, and my face is breaking out - possibly the worst it ever has in my entire life. I started using benzoyle peroxide (doc recommended as safe) two nights ago and I'm already seeing a little improvement. I'm also very tired and have been having some stomach upset. That last part makes me wonder if my body is just over-reacting to foods that would normally be fine. It's not constant, but does come and go. Two things that do make me happy is knowing I can still read at night and can even turn on my side a little when sleeping. I remember not being able to do either with Ella because the nausea was so bad.

My bladder has been bothering me somewhat, but it's not terrible and I'm trying to not get very excited about it. The problem is finding times during the day to take my Elmiron. I know I need to keep trying, though.

Aside from the pregnancy, there's been a lot of other things going on. Kate was diagnosed with diabetes last week and it really caught us all off guard. Amy and Matt are learning a lot every day and it seems they are doing well adjusting to the new routines. Granny also spent a few nights in the hospital but they were not able to determine what was causing some numbness in her arms. They sent her home with a clean bill of health and we're hopeful she'll continue to do well.

On a brighter note, Molly starts a new job on Monday. We're all very excited for her.

Well, it's about time to go pick up Ella from school. Gotta run.

Officially In the Thick of It

What a week. Starting around 9 p.m. on Monday, I began feeling very ill. I was up on the couch all night, and vomited between 3 and 4 a.m. I was also having terrible stomach cramps and called the doctor first thing after they opened at 8:30. They got me in for an early OB work up since I was so ill, which was nice. I got my first ultrasound where Peanut measured 6w2d (I think I was really 6w1d) with a heartbeat of 107 BPM. It was wonderful to see.

So far, Tuesday has proven to be my toughest day. Wednesday through Friday were easier, and Glenn and Sandy came down to help out. Last night ended up being quite rough again - dry heaving at 5 a.m. is not my idea of a good time - but I'm doing better right now. Ella and I are pretending to blow bubbles and watching Dora while Wes gets some sleep. Apparently some one who thought they were dying was keeping him up all night. Oops.

My mom is flying in today and staying until Wednesday and I'm really grateful. I think it's going to make these next 7 weeks or so a lot easier to handle if Wes has help with Ella and I have company around to keep myself out of my own head. So far, I think I'm managing okay without too much anxiety or panic. It's definitely a daily focus to stay calm and just control what I can and ride out the rest.

I'm officially working from home for the time being and my team is really helping to pitch in where they can. If I need to, I know I can just go on LOA, but I really would like to avoid that. I have to remind myself that even with Ella, I never was hospitalized for dehydration, I lost less than 12 pounds, and if the anxiety hadn't gotten so bad, I think I would have been in much better shape around 14 weeks as opposed to suffering through until past 20 weeks. I think I have better tools to manage myself this time around and I'll keep focused on the fact that every day that passes is one less I have to make it through. Soon enough, I'll be eating with an appetite again, going out with friends and enjoying my favorite part of pregnancy - those little flutters and kicks.

I'm going to make it just fine. One day at a time.

A Tough Morning

Today, oddly enough, started off better than yesterday morning. But at 10:30 a.m., I can clearly say it is now worse than yesterday at this time. My weekend went by fairly well; Wes and I had a date night on Saturday and saw Juno which was hilarious. While I was feeling a bit icky all day yesterday, I was able to keep my head up pretty well and ate throughout the day.

This morning, I took my Zofran right away at 5 a.m. and am either grateful that it has kept me from vomiting so far, or am frustrated that it's not helping more. I made it into work by 7:10 and did end up telling my boss the big news. It makes me feel a little better not to have to fake it at least with him. I'm sure I'll end up telling my team by the end of the week if this keeps up, but I'm hopeful today is just a bad day and my body will adjust a bit.

I knew I would be here, and I'm still hopeful that I'll get through this better than last time. I do know I can handle it and I've got all kinds of help: my family, experience, doctors, faith. If I had to bet on it, I would say the next 4-8 weeks will be the toughest and then I think I'll start getting better. I can do this for 8 weeks. Maybe longer if I need to. God has blessed us with this baby and he'll hold my hand to see me through the hard parts of bringing Peanut home.

Little by little, one walks far. Peruvian Proverb

Please, Oh Please, Dear Zofran

Uh-oh, it's happened. M/s found me for real yesterday. Grrr. I had a couple bad "waves" at book club, then it was not fun all night. I also had night sweats and insomnia - not sure I slept after 2:30 a.m. BUT, I was able to nibble on some animal crackers and took my Zofran this morning to hopefully keep this under control before it gets out of hand. I really don't want to have to tell work about being pg yet, but if I can't get my happy butt in here by at least 7 a.m., I'll have to crack. I'm staying positive, though! I realize that the bad comes with the good and I won't be pregnant forever.

Right?

I had my first OB appointment yesterday. Wes came with me, after we met for lunch, and while we were waiting for the PA to come in, I was having a hot flash. Once she was in there, it came on ten times as bad and I swear I was sweating BUCKETS!!! I was horrified that this woman now had to give me a breast exam, feel my belly and do an internal exam/PAP. Gross!!!!! I was laughing and said how embarrassed I was and of course, she was very reassuring and said not to worry about it...but YUCK!!! I'm sure she was howling with the nurses after I left. I hate hormones!!

So that was the embarrasing part. The other details are they said I was 5w3d yesterday, but with a EDD one day later. Essentially, the little "wheel" they use says a pregnancy is 2 days longer than every calendar I've ever found online. So I'm sticking with the fact I'm 5w3d today, and hopefully that will line up with my dates on the u/s I'm having on the 24th. I can't wait! I should be far enough along to see a heartbeat then.

The PA was funny, too - she "asked" me to lie and say my last period was strange so she could order an early u/s. Otherwise, I'd have to wait until 20 weeks. NO WAY, Jose. I can hardly make it 14 days, let alone 14 weeks!!

Book club went better than I thought. I figured there was a fairly good chance someone would ask if I was expecting. My "ready" answer would be "not unless you know something I don't!". I was hoping to be able to say that with a straight face, but no one ended up asking. I blamed my not drinking on having a bad bladder day, and I guess no one felt compelled to challenge me.

I was just able to eat a normal breakfast, which was encouraging. I'm hoping the Zofran is doing its job and will continue to do so. I plan on taking it twice a day for as long as I can before upping it to three times a day.

Last night, I was definitely having some anxiety about the onset of nausea - racing heart, not able to fall asleep, insomnia - and I realize I will have to work very hard to stay relaxed throughout this pregnancy. I'm sure I'll be consulting my little green book of happy thoughts often. I think it makes me more anxious to think about how my job is not something I can easily take leave from, and that I have so many responsibilities with Manning Homes that Wes can't take over for me. Heck, he's got his hands full taking care of Ella and the house. I'm sure it will all work out, though, and if I need to take leave, I will. I'll figure out how to cross that bridge when it's in front of me.

For now, I'm feeling fairly okay (maybe a 2-3 on the 10 scale) and that I can live with just fine.

I Don't Want to Say It

I don't want to say it...but of course I will. I believe the early signs of m/s are creeping in on me. Nothing too bad, though. I'd say a 1 or 1.5 on a scale of 10. Honestly, it has felt like a lump in my throat accompanied by a slight queasiness. I've been able to eat without much trouble and I'm hopeful that I'll stay at this stage for a little while longer. I'm still having occaisional cramping (is it less now?) and my boobs are even more sore than last week. The fatigue has been okay the past day or two, not that I would pass up the chance at a yummy nap. That sounds soooo good right now. Of course, it's only 8:30 in the morning.

Tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. is my first OB appointment. Unfortunately, it's with a PA (Melanie Tercko) and not my regular doctor, but I'm still very excited to go. I wonder if they'll do an ultrasound, but either way, it's likely too early to see the heartbeat. I hope they let me come back between 6 and 7 weeks for that. And while we're on the subject of doctors, I should go ahead and complain that Dr. Smith no longer delivers so I can only see her for the first 12 weeks. I'm nervous about finding another doctor I like as well, but I'm trying to not worry about it yet. I've got over 7 1/2 weeks for that.

Anyway, today's official statistics are that I'm 22 dpo, 5w1d, and my weight dropped back a little to 139.5 lbs this morning. I'm sure the doctor's weigh-in will have me near 145 since I'll be dressed and it will be after lunch. Grr.

The 7th Test

Yup, I did it. I peed on my 7th HPT this morning. Oh the power of my pee. It can turn a stark white landscape into a pink zebrafest of thin stripes. So fun. I think I only have one digital test left, though, so my addiction will be cured soon.

This weekend started off with me calling the after-hours OB on Friday night. Only 4w4d and I was already making emergency calls. I hope this isn't a pattern that I'll continue. I was having really sharp pains in my right shoulder. What could that be? An ectopic pregnancy, clearly.

Do I have a history of those? Um, no. Is that my only symptom? Um, yes. No severe cramping? Bleeding? Nope and nope. Get off the phone and stop wasting my time then. Oops. Sorry. Enjoy your dessert.

So Dr. McKinney wasn't that abrupt, but I did feel a little stupid. My official (self) diagnosis was that I had gas pains in my shoulder. Better a false alarm than a real one, right?

The good news is I'm still feeling pretty good - and I'm 5 weeks today! I think with Ella the boom was lowered somewhere between 5 1/2 and 6 weeks so I'm going to enjoy as much of this week as I can. I'm also doing my best to get "life" organized. I can't do much with taxes until all of our year-end forms and statements are available, but I'm in the process of cleaning up our investments. I have to do it in two shifts (one left to go tomorrow) to wait for all of the "sell" orders to clear first.

I am up-to-date on MH filing, and bills are in pretty good shape. I'm just going to do my best to take everything in small chunks and not let it all pile up too much. I would really like to get our 2007 Manning dvd done, but the last time I worked on it, I cried actual tears and wanted to throw our Mac Book off a very tall building. By deleting the trash files, I've essentially killed the dvd - which I've already put 50+ hours into - due to a bug in the software. I'm going to do my best just to finish it up as is, and try not to fume watching the last 2/3rds each time, noticing how none of the photos are cropped, centered or in motion as they should be. Okay, I'm getting livid again. Peanut doesn't need the stress, and neither do I.

I'm making some good progress on the nutrition front. I've discovered both Luna bars and Whole Wheet Cheerios have 100% of lots of the vitamins I need, including folate, so I'm working those in each day and my bladder doesn't seem to be too angry yet. I'm hoping that the Cheerios, at least, are something I can continue getting down even with m/s. Then there's also the Ensure route to take.

Oh, and my weight bumped up to 140.5 lbs today. Is that water weight? Or am I already taking the "eating for two" thing too far? On some level, I do feel like I need to pack in some winter fat stores against m/s, but 1.5 lbs is a bit much. Maybe I'll dial it back for lunch today.

Pickle II is Now Peanut

We made a very momentous decision last night - what to call the baby until little he or she arrives? With Ella, it was Pickle, then Picklette once we found out the gender. And this baby will be...drumroll, please...Peanut! Not totally original, but my mom has called me Peanut my whole life and Wes seemed to like it. So there. One less decision to make.

Today is another good day! I definitely have a "ticking time bomb" feeling about me with regards to when the rest of my symptoms will hit. It's like I wake up in the morning and only open one eye, peek around the room and ask myself how I'm feeling. "I think I'm okay. Am I really okay? Nope, still don't feel sick. Yeah! Out of bed!!"

I still have a very calm, positive feeling about this pregnancy which I'm hoping is going to be prophetic for the next nine months. Where's a time machine when you need one?

I did my official weigh-in this morning, and I'm at 139 pounds. Hopefully, I won't drop too much and won't land at much more than 165 or 170 by the time Peanut chooses to arrive. I think we'll start doing weekly belly shots on Monday. I'm so curious to see if I pop sooner this time! With Ella, I don't think I really showed until 18 weeks or more.

Today, we made plans for a date night next Saturday and Wine Night at the end of the month. I feel so hesitant making plans, not knowing how I'll feel (or how I'll fake drinking wine in a small group...guess I'll have to lie about not feeling well with my IC or just let the cat out of the proverbial bag) but I can't keep life on hold, can I?

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be pregnant AND keep living a regular life this time? Almost seems like too much to ask for, but I'm going to ask anyway.

A Good Year Ahead

I'm convinced 2008 is going to be a good year.

How could it not be, with nearly 3 finished homes on the market to sell and a new baby on the way? I'm filled with hope today, January 3, 2008. The Manning Homes journey began in 2003 and while it has taken a little more time than we expected to really pick up steam, things are definitely looking up. This despite the housing depression of the late '00's which has brought doom and gloom to so many.

The even better news is that we saw two pink lines on Sunday, December 30 after four diligent months of trying for number two. It took six months of charting before September to get up my courage after the less-than-joyful experience of Ella's pregnancy, but here we are. Ready to go. I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of breathing and a lot of praying and I truly believe this time is going to be better.

For this first post, I'll back up to a couple of weeks ago...and I'll say now that I plan on writing about all things pregnancy for the next 36 1/2 weeks so I kind of hope no one really reads this. If so, they may wish they hadn't. Ha! During the time I have been readying myself to be pregnant again, I've often wished I kept a better record of what my days were really like the first time around with Ella. So here goes nothing. Maybe not remembering is a blessing. We'll see.

I ovulated on December 17, and I tried my best to ignore the anticipation of the inevitable coming of AF or a BFP in the weeks to follow. It was helpful that we had Ella's 2nd birthday, Christmas and my parents coming for a visit to distract me. On Friday, December 28 (11 DPO), I spotted and was sad. Of course, I still tested because I love to make myself more miserable, I guess. BFN. AF was surely going to show up on Saturday as scheduled. But then she didn't.

She didn't come Sunday either. Even better, my temp was up. So I tested again. And again. And again. Three tests can't lie, right? So I called Wes upstairs and shared the news. I could see he was nervous. Excited, sure, but nervous. Wow, we're really going through this again, weren't we? We hugged. We laughed nervous laughs. We decided to tell my parents right away so we could do it in person.

We had Ella hand the digital test to Nana in the kitchen. She thought it was a thermometer but quickly figured it out. "They're pregnant, hon," she said to Rocket. "Who's pregnant?" as he looks up from eBay online. "I am." says Wes. We laughed more and passed around bear hugs. Now Nana and Rocket have the nervous look, too. Guess they do remember the nights where I said out loud how I was suicidal and just wanted out of my body. Was it really all that bad? I hope not. This time I'm prepared.

I'm prepared, and I'm hopeful. Very hopeful.

Now to today. I'm 4w3d along and due on September 8, 2008. All of our immediate family knows the news, but we're waiting a bit longer to spread it further. I have an appointment on the 9th with a PA at my OB's office and I'm on the waiting list for Dr. Smith's cancellations. I hope that works out. My only symptoms are sore boobs and off-and-on cramping/pulling that happens all day. And my bladder/IC seem to be good so far. I'm still taking Elmiron, but only twice a day, instead of three times. Eventually, I think I'll stop all together. And I'm praying for remission. Please, oh please, let me go into remission.

I expect that the m/s will hit me about this time next week. We'll see. Until then, I'm enjoying each hour and doing what I can to stay positive. It really may not be as bad this time. And truly, what got me before was the anxiety and panic, not the nausea. I can handle this. I'm not alone and this time, I understand what that prize at the end is all about.